The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
