I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
