I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
