Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
