I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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