it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
he puts the penis in happiness.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
