i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
