your parents love me but you hate me
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
