I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Pants are for mortals
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
