Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
