My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
