How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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