i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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