that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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