Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I met the friendliest cop last night
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
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