i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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