I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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