you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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