I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
