my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Randomize
