I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
