We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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