I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
