I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
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Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
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Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
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