He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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