They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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