Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
