i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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