Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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