Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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