Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Randomize
