Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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