And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I intend to get homeless drunk
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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