Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
