I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize