I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
