You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
