So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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