The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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