the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
