i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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