I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
