Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
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