I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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