I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
