Whod you bang
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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