anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
