i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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