I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I just want to make out with him forever
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
