Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize