My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
