ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
