We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just gift wrapped bread.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
