This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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