I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
please don't ironically join a cult
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