I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
