Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
